Our (My) greatest fear

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be beautiful, loved, smart, talented and all other amazing things we can be?’ but the right question should be ‘Who am I not to be?’ <

I first heard that quote when I was watching ‘Akeelah and the Bee’ for the third or fourth time. I can’t really tell but what I can say for sure is that the quote spoke to me. It was at a point in my life where I felt I was useless to all the people around me, that I wasn’t living up to my potential, and that I didn’t have anything anybody wanted. I felt defeated in a way, unloved and seeking attention and purpose in my life.

Honestly, I still feel that way sometimes.

Life hits you hard guys.

One day, you think you have it all figured - go to school, pass all your exams, get a bomb ass internship, impress your supervisors and get a job offer, graduate, get to pick from all the job offers you have being thrown at your feet (a bit lofty here though), get a girlfriend, get married, have kids, live a longgggggg, fulfilled life, die.

That seems pretty straightforward yeah?

Liessss!

There’s a ton of stuff in the middle you have to figure out. You realise school isn’t what is used to be and it’s a struggle to finish. Now, getting an internship is even harder. You finally get one and you’re waiting the days out and you forget all about impressing your supervisor. You come back to school and realise, ‘oh shit, I don’t have any plans for after graduation’, you freak out and start thinking of all the other plans that were built on this particular one and how it’s not going to work out and there’s no hope and this just sounds like someone that definitelyyyyy overthinks.

Yep, that’s me.

Currently, I’m wondering how it’s so easy for me to write all these thoughts out and I can’t even get myself to finish my thesis (lol). I can’t even come up with any explanation. Coming abroad was supposed to make it so much easier. Leaving Nigeria felt like saying goodbye to all the struggles and welcoming a life of ease and peace and cotton candy but I’m outchea biting into some hard, meatless bone.

This sounds so depressing but stay with me. The good part’s coming. I’m going to apply for an extension tomorrow. I convinced myself that I could finish this semester while I was really not doing anything but just waiting it out… backing myself into having to buy more time. Hopefully, it gets approved.

I’ve decided to stop being afraid. I’m honestly tired of the ‘I should have’ and ‘if only I’ and ‘I had time but’ and all the other lame excuses I’ve given myself as reasons why I couldn’t do better. Seems quite late I know but what better time than now?

Apparently, J.K. Rowling hit rock bottom before she got up. I’m hoping this is mine because I honestly do not want to feel this way again. To everyone out there trying to figure it out, don’t shit your pants if you can’t see anything materialising right now.

Make a plan. Work towards it. There’s one of my friends that I lowkey admire. Funny enough, he doesn’t even realise it. He puts in those baby steps. Sometimes, we want to be hitting different milestones and make all these lofty goals and meet none. He just keeps on going. Jejerly.

Apparently, he who fails to plan, plans to fail. I had to learn the hard way guys. Don’t be like Kennedy.